fell asleep at 9 then woke up at 1am

feelin bloody warm and perspirin .. somethin wrong with the aircon again ..and feelin wide awake ..sigh..
there's no one out here to accompany me..

been thinkin ..again .. abt his words

i tot i understand him but he always say i dun
he always say i am selfish in thinking...always never put him in consideration ..
do i ?

i always place him first .. as though my world revolves around him.. till the extend mum and close friends were complainin so i learned to let go a little.. bit by bit..

he doesnt take it .. he kinda not used to it ..
he wants the whole piece of me ..

should i feel happy abt it ?
tat he's so devoted ?

he toned down alot for me .. changed his bad habits ...
but still that possessiveness streak is alive and kickin..

he said this before
"care and control comes together"

its a drastic change for me
i tink i changed alot for him too

i was so carefree and independent with my ex
my ex trust me
gave me the freedom i wan .. even till the extend i was ponderin " does he even care?"
he let me go out with whoever i wan .. whenever i wan
i just need to inform him .. and be home before midnight
regardless grp or one-one outings.. and yar .. with guy alone .
his theory " if she belongs to u, even when u let her out she will still come back to u "

well well .. tat's the past.. no pt keep referrin right ? hahah
mind too jumbled up

with the recent incidents tat happened.. he is the one who will give up first while i am the one tryin to revert it ..

he will always be the one to say "lost all trust", " u are not the same anymore" and yar ...even "breakup"..

he can say such things so easily makes me wonder the extend of his stronghold in this relationship

once a relationship is broken .. i dun believe in patchin back already .. it wun be the same anymore ... it's with flaws and rough edges .. and if not careful, u will be cut easily again .

i dun think i have changed .. and i am defiant abt it ..
i am just exposin the real me .. the one who likes hangin out ..the outspoken one..

he doesnt like me to talk too much .. and always say i talk too loud..
he should know i am like tat from the beginnin why complain abt my traits now

i think i can talk quite well .. converse with his friends or just create some small intelligent talk..
i dun think i disgraced him before
but why he aint proud of tat aspect of me?
i made the effort to know his friends
he doesnt

makes me wonder.. wat's left for me to hold on?
his devotion?
my stubborness?
the time spent together..?

been solemn this week
dun feel like talkin

except to those who knows my situation

its kinda complicated ..

absence makes the heart ponder .. and will make me realise how much i wan him

his absence makes the heart fonder .. but i am not certain what will happen when he's back

maybe i try pickin up my feelins and see where it leads me to

sometimes i wonder why there are so many probs surfacin now?

friends will say "accumulative pent-up frustrations"

issit really the case? or i am bein too greedy

sigh..
he's still in taiwan field trainin

i need some comforting

i think i am lamentin too much abt him here
hahahahah

but well well
he doesnt read it
and i think i function better with written words..